1. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
2. What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
3. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
4. What has ears but cannot hear?
5. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
6. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
7. What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
8. Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
9. When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look?
Because when you find it, you stop looking.
10. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
11. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Dill with it.
12. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!
13. Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
14. How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern...
15. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
16. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
17. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9
18. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
19. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
20. How do you make a lemon drop?
Just let it fall.
21. What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don’t take me for granite!
22. What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?
A wise quacker.
23. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.
24. What kind of water cannot freeze?
25. What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
26. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
27. Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because her parents were in a jam.
28. What did the little corn say to the mama corn?
Where is pop corn?
29. What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
30. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
About a buck an ear.
31. Where would you find an elephant?
The same place you lost her!
32. How do you talk to a giant?
Use big words!
33. What animal is always at a baseball game?
34. What falls in winter but never gets hurt?
35. What do you call a ghost’s true love?
36. What building in New York has the most stories?
The public library!
37. What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
38. How do we know that the ocean is friendly?
39. What is a tornado’s favorite game to play?
40. How does the moon cut his hair?
41. How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut!
42. What do you call two birds in love?
43. How does a scientist freshen her breath?
44. How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night!
45. How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
She starts coffin.
46. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
47. What is a computer's favorite snack?
48. Why don’t elephants chew gum?
They do, just not in public.
49. What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon
50. What did the banana say to the dog?
Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
51. What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock.
52. How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
53. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
54. What do you think of that new diner on the moon?
Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.
55. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
56. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
Because she will let it go.
57. How do you make an octopus laugh?
58. How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
59. What's green and can fly?
60. Knock knock.
61. What did the nose say to the finger?
Quit picking on me!
62. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
63. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?
Because she wanted to go to high school.
64. What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
65. What do elves learn in school?
66. What do you call a dog magician?
67. Where do pencils go on vacation?
68. Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby?
She was a little horse.
69. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to dance with.
70. What gets wetter the more it dries?
71. What do you call two bananas?
And speaking of bananas...
72. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.
73. What do you call a fake noodle?
74. What stays in the corner yet can travel all over the world?
75. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
76. What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.
77. What do you call a funny mountain?
78. Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
79. Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
80. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
91. What part of your body can cause the end of the world?
92. What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
93. Why didn’t the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
94. What dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
95. What did one DNA strand say to the other DNA strand?
Do these genes make my butt look big?
96. Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet.
97. What did the wolf say when it stubbed its toe?
98. Kid: What are you doing under there?
Mom: Under where?
Kid: Ha ha! You said underwear!!
99. Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
100. What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
101. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
102. Why couldn't the astronaut book a hotel on the moon?
Because it was full.
103. How do pickles enjoy a day out?
They relish it.
104. What do you call an old snowman?
105. What's a pirate's favorite letter?
106. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
107. How do you throw a party in space?
108. What did zero say to eight?
109. What happened when the skunk was on trial?
The judge declared, "Odor in the court, odor in the court!"
110. What do you call a sleeping bull?
111. Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
112. What do you call a fish without an eye?
113. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
114. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.
115. Why are robots never afraid?
They have nerves of steel.
116. Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was a-head.
117. What does an evil hen lay?
118. What does a book do in the winter?
Puts on a jacket.
119. Knock knock!
Dishes me, who are you?
120. What sound do you hear when a cow breaks the sound barrier?
121. What kind of haircuts to bees get?
122. Knock knock!
Donut ask me, I just got here.
124. What do you get if you cross a pie and a snake?
125. What do you do if you get peanut butter on your doorknob?
Use a door jam.
126. Why was 6 so mad at 7?
Because 7 8 9.
127. Why didn't the robot finish his breakfast?
Because the orange juice told him to concentrate.
128. Why can't you play hockey with pigs?
They always hog the puck.
129. Why do porcupines always win the game?
They have the most points.
130. Where do elephants pack their clothes?
In their trunks!
131. What does bread do on vacation?
132. Why was the broom running late?
133. What part of the fish weighs the most?
134. What do ghosts like to eat in the summer?
135. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school?
Because her students were so bright.
136. What do you call a deer with pink eye?
A colorful eye-deer.
137, Where do sheep go on vacation?
138. What does every birthday end with?
The letter Y.
139. What did the paper say to the pencil?
140. Why do birds fly?
It's faster than walking.
141. Why did Superman flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
142. Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken's feathers.
143. Can February March?
No, but April May.
144. What time do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
145. Why did the giraffes get bad grades?
She had her head in the clouds.
146. What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg.
147. What did the traffic light say to the truck?
Don't look, I'm changing.
148. What does a cloud wear?
149. Why didn't the koala bear get the job?
They said she was over-koala-fied.
150. Who was that owl who did all the tricks?
151. What kind of vegetable is angry?
A steamed carrot!
152. How does the moon stay up in the sky?
153. Why isn't there a clock in the library?
Because it tocks too much.
154. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it!
155. What day of the week are most twins born on?
156. Would February March?
No, but April May.
157. What do you call bears with no ears?
158.What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
159. Where do rocks like to sleep?
160. How do you pay for parking in space?
A parking meteor.
161. What do you call two giraffes colliding?
A giraffe-ic jam.
162. What animal is always at a baseball game?
163. What did the reporter say to the ice cream?
"What's the scoop?"
164. How do you get fired from a coin-mint?
You stop making cents.
165. What room is impossible to enter?
166. What did one horse say to the other horse?
What did the kid say to the horse?
What did the mane say to the horse?
Nothing, you silly, a mane can't talk.
Ireland you my umbrella, you're gonna' need it.
168. What do you call a fly with no wings?
169. What’s yellow and looks like pineapple?
A lemon with a new haircut.
170. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
171. What did the lunchbox say to the banana?
You really have appeal.
172. What did the mouse say to the keyboard?
You're my type!
173. What did the science book say to the math book?
Wow, you've got problems.
174. How do squids get to school?
They take an octobus.
175. Where do mermaids look for jobs?
The kelp-wanted section.
176. What word starts with the letter t, ends with the letter t, and has t in it?
177. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
178. Two goats were munching on a movie script.
Goat 1: This is good!
Goat 2: The book was better.
179. What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
180. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his miserable summer.
181. Why did the woman become an archeologist?
Because her career was in ruins.
182. Knock knock!
Manatee would be better than a sweater today, it's hot!
183. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
184. What snack should you make for the Snowman Holiday Party?
Ice Krispy Treats
185. There's a girl on a boat in a pretty pink coat. What's her name?
186. Why do birds fly south?
It's too far to walk.
187. What did the traffic light say to the cars?
Don't look, I'm changing!
188. Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
189. What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
190. How does a hurricane see?
With one eye.
191. How do they answer the phone at the paint store?
192. Why do scissors always win a race?
Because they take a shortcut!
193. How do you stop a bull from charging?
You unplug it!
194. What did the dad say to his daughter at the cook out?
This grill is on fire!
195. Why did the king go to the bathroom?
He wanted to sit on the throne.
196. What is a pirate's favorite body part?
197. If it takes two men to dig a hole in one day how long would it take for one man to dig a half a hole?
There is no such thing as a half a hole.
198. How do cats bake cake?
199. What is a zombie's favorite thing to eat?
200. How do you fix a broken tomato?
With a can of tomato paste.
201. What do you call a rabbit with lice?
202. It took 10 workers 10 days to build a bridge. How long would it take 5 workers to build the same bridge?
None—it’s already built!
203. How do you make the word Tiger longer?
204. How do you clean chicken?
Put it in dishwasher.
205. What is brown and sticky?